Gill’s story - the Bristol Break up Club

“I discovered the Bristol Break up club while googling anything that was going to help me to make sense of what had just happened to me. I had discovered that my husband of 23 years had been cheating. As he left, he told me that he had been doing so for a number of years – there was no remorse from him, no apology, nothing to make me feel any better about myself, he just left without care for me and what I had just discovered, as if he just didn’t care about me.

I was in an awful way and was just trying to get some meaning from what had happened.

I was scared financially. He had been a large wage earner, and I was financially vulnerable. I had spent my time working around our two children, now young adults, and my wages were less than a quarter of his.

I felt sick, like I was an observer of my life, not engaged in it, unable to make a decision, unable to eat, unable to get a full nights sleep and mostly so, so very sad, full of grief for what I had lost of what I thought my future was to be. Always close to tears, I cried so much!

In my first session I just cried, it was all so raw and was overwhelming my whole life. My situation was at the forefront of my mind for months. It was lovely to be able to put something on my calendar every month - this helped me to have something to focus on. It was also so supportive to meet other women in my position, all with their own stories.

One of the sessions that I remember that helped was just before Christmas. Claire got us to think of what we wouldn’t have to put up with this Christmas, ie the angry outbursts, listening out for when he reacted to something that hadn’t gone his way, possibly the breaking of the yolk of an egg when he wanted it whole so he could fry it for example.

One thing that I always remember, a piece of advice that Claire gave at the very first session I believe, was ‘Dignity at all times’. I wrote this on my calendar and have ensured that I have kept to it right the way through, getting on for 2 years now. It has been beneficial as I now have what I think is an ‘alright’ relationship with my ex.

Time has passed and things have calmed in my life, however I know that Claire helped me survive the very traumatic experience. She was part of my support programme when my head was filled with nothing but the situation and my ex. I looked forward to the monthly meetings as a bit of supportive therapy.

Now things are calmer I still look forward to the meetings, which are much more convenient for me to attend now that they are online. The meetings are now more themed with specific speakers, all of whom are extremely useful to build my new life. It is amazing that Claire knows so many relevant speakers who are able to provide extremely useful information for the situation that we all find ourselves in.

The BBuC team are always so friendly and welcoming, both in person when we met in the Stowe offices in Bristol, and also online. Claire has provided emotional support with many suggestions on how to survive in a dignified way, while the Stowe team have provided answers to many legal questions.

Claire also recommended me to a financial adviser, something that I would have thought my solicitor might have suggested, but he never did. The financial adviser was a life changer regarding being able to agree with my ex on a settlement without having to go to court. She entered my details onto her algorithm and it showed when things might be difficult and when things would be ok financially. This was so insightful and it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders, I would not have had this opportunity if it was not for Claire as I did not know about the services they offered.

I would definitely recommend the BBuC to others. It has really been a life saver for me, it has been important in my life and has enabled me to make new friends with other women who have attended. In the early days when days were so difficult to get through, having the meeting on the calendar each month helped to keep me going. Claire’s suggestions on how to look at things differently rather than getting stuck in a negative rut helped as well, mantras were my thing for a long time. Now I am getting some excellent information on building my new life, and I know that I can always ask for support.

I really can’t thank Claire enough, she is so calm and the fact that she has been through her own traumatic experience is a great leveller.

I believe that any person going to see their family solicitor when their relationship has broken down, should be given the details of a Break Up support group as having something like this is a HUGE help.

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