Will my child be damaged by my divorce?

Nina says:

Actually if it is handled well quite the opposite is possible.

A study was carried out on mothers and children in Bristol over a twenty year period. This study found that children who witnessed their parent go through a painful or traumatic experience and recover from it were more likely to have something called an internal locus of control. Essentially this means that they felt empowered to handle difficult situations: Finding the resilience to cope and make choices which support their health and wellbeing throughout life.

It is not the situation but how it is handled that counts

Life is full of challenge, there will be disappointments, deaths, relationship break ups and illnesses. Divorce, if handled well, can be an opportunity to role model for our children how to recover and thrive after a break up. It can provide them with a blueprint for how to find joy in the face of adversity.

Here is how

Don’t hide your feelings

You can let your child be aware that you are struggling at the moment and even allow them to comfort you. It is probably best not to go into details, but children tend to be highly attuned to our emotional state: If we try to pretend nothing is wrong, we can subtly give them the message that you should hide or suppress your feelings. Emotional literacy - the ability to be aware of and name how we are feeling - is important for both our physical and emotional health. Some studies suggest that unprocessed feelings can lead to conditions such as complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and result in chronic illness in the long term. Show your children that you are comfortable with being uncomfortable, that sadness or anger are not to be feared but can be ways to return us to health.

Get Support…

More support than you think you need! A divorce is a huge life transition, if we invite in support we are offering fantastic role modeling for our children. Find some strategies which help you to move through this difficult period. When I was going through my last big break up I had several good friends who were willing to do a daily empathy call for the first few weeks, when simply getting through the day was hard. I actually look back on that time as one of tremendous growth. I made a decision to stay with my feelings rather than using food or screens to avoid them. To help with this I developed a meditation practice, journaled a lot, spent time in nature, took naps and cried! After a few weeks of this I found the pain and sadness would at times give way to feelings of joy and aliveness.

Talk things through with your child

Find age appropriate ways to talk to your child about how they are feeling about you and your partner separating. For younger children a therapeutic story can be very helpful - you could tell a story about a family of teddy bears for example whose parents have decided to live in separate houses, maybe the little bears found it hard at first but then started to enjoy having two bedrooms and could adjust. Here is a nice example if you would prefer something to read to them. It is also important to give your child space to express how they are feeling and for you to be aware of any mood or behavioral changes - these could be a sign that they need some extra help and nurture. Affirming and validating them is key whatever age they are: My recommendation would be to do this before offering reassurance. Statements like, “I can see this is really hard for you” or “I understand why you are feeling angry” can be helpful before helping them to see that things will ultimately be ok.

Avoid the blame game

Blaming or badmouthing your former partner in front of your shared offspring is one of the ways things can go south. In most cases the child’s long term well being is best served by them having strong relationships with both parents. Hearing a parent criticising the other parent can be confusing and lead to feelings of guilt or split loyalties. If you need to, find other ways to release the anger you may be feeling towards your ex such as writing or talking to a friend. Working through your anger and eventually finding more generous ways of thinking about them creates the foundation for a healthy co-parenting.

Learning to dance in the rain!

Sometimes the most difficult situations we face in life can turn into sources of renewal and growth. Marriage is not a destination we arrive at where things are perfect, it is part of a living relationship with different seasons, phases and ultimately an ending. Every life transition, whether it is seemingly good or bad, involves loss of some kind and the acquiring of new skills and capacities. If we show our children that life can be hard sometimes but we have the ability to grieve, cope and ultimately thrive, we are teaching them how to live courageously and fully.

This blog post was written by parenting coach and education researcher Nina Bambrey.

If you need some extra guidance around supporting your child she is available to help. You can get in touch via Journey into Parenting.