Xander’s story

“I was in a place where my mind and my thoughts would not let me move away from the hurt, anger and trauma I was feeling after the split from my wife. I felt cheated, humiliated, and criminalised by her treatment of me in the family and divorce court arenas.

I knew that I had reached a stage where without some kind of professional intervention, I was increasingly likely to make decisions that would long term detrimental affects on me, those who care for me and most importantly, my children.

What worried me the most was at this point, I had almost given up caring, as I thought the fight to prove myself right and her wrong, was the way to approach and tackle my situation. I felt completely at the end of my tether and out of my depth.

I felt scared, terrified and extremely vulnerable. I was overwhelmed in every sense. My sleeping and eating habits and routines were non existent and rarely healthy. I had started to lose interest in myself as well, managing to hold it together in front of work clients, but aside from that, I was caring about less and less.

Claire listened to me and understood from the outset that I was upset and scared. She allowed me the space to voice my concerns and worries and help me move away from the dark cycle of repetitive thoughts that were keeping me trapped. Although I still feel the hurt and anger, and that may stay as such for a while, I can manage it, process it and not let it dictate who I am anymore.

I have moved away from the destructive thoughts and actions that I viewed as a method of protection, and now see that by actually protecting myself, by looking after myself and taking the time I need for myself, I am in a place to be a much better father to my children when they do contact me and we speak on the phone.


The big realisation for me was knowing that I had other options. Not always options I wanted or liked, but there were always options. I could make a choice and start to feel like I was in control of my own path a bit more. Each time I made a choice, sometimes it being only the less damaging of some damaging options, I had nonetheless made that choice. It was something I had done, and not had done to me.

I feel a lot freer, and less burdened. I still have very limited to no contact with the children, and that still hurts every day, but I am not letting that hurt dictate who I am anymore. I can concentrate on other things now, and get stuff done without the dark thoughts and difficult memories leading me down a rabbit hole I know I struggle to get out of.

Claire was different to any other counselling or therapeutic intervention I have ever seen or experienced before. She seemed to know exactly why I was hurting and understood that the hurt was real and very destructive. She very quickly saw how my mind worked and how to reprogram those patterns and responses. There was little dwelling on anything in the past or picking apart events or memories, it was much more of a focus on what I felt, thought and needed.

The experience I had working with Claire changed the way I view and value myself, it changed the way I reflect on what I had in my life before, and what I thought I needed. I now feel valued, and appreciated, wanted, and that I am capable. I feel as free and excited about the future as I maybe should have been allowed to feel at 20, but never did.

I have learnt that if something is not right for me, then I don’t need to just accept it, I can change it, or I can leave it. There is little point trying to defend a toxic position, if the me that finally arrives at that position is broken and defeated when I get there.

Claire is a real professional in her field. Everything in my adult life was unravelled and much of it I realised was a lie. That took someone specialist, and confident in her ability to recognise, uncover, treat, and put it back again. I came to Claire knowing that my bedrock and foundations had been destroyed. What I thought I knew, I did not. What I believed in, was false. Claire saw all of that and gently restored the foundations that underpin me, so as I did not totally collapse.

I would have no hesitation in saying to anyone who is experiencing the kind of pain and hurt that only those who have been there recognise, to speak to Claire.”