Should I stay or should I go?
I don’t always work with people who are already going through a separation. Increasingly recently, I’ve been working with clients who feel stuck, who aren’t sure whether to stay or go.
I’ve been there myself too, in my first relationship after my marriage ended. For months before I ended the relationship, I was confused and overwhelmed, I hung onto hope that we could be fixed, and I was afraid of being judged for having ‘another failed relationship’. For a long time, it was more comfortable to stay where I was, than to take a leap into the unknown.
In the end, I did finish the relationship, but not until I had gone through several months of feeling stuck and unsure.
Here are three suggested questions for you to ponder if you find yourself stuck in the No-Man’s Land of not knowing whether to stay or go. I hope they will help you to explore what you really want, and what is possible for you.
How will I feel in 5 years’ time if I stay and nothing changes?
If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. This is great if what you are doing is working, and you are happy in your relationship. Not so great if your relationship is unhappy, or just doesn’t feel quite right.
I talk a lot about choices, and how choices give you power. In your situation, consider what choices you have. Perhaps they look something like this:
a) I stay and nothing changes
b) I stay and suggest that we work on our relationship together, perhaps see a counsellor
c) I stay and I make changes to my own behaviour, to see if I get a different result
d) I leave.
Perhaps you can see more choices in your situation?
It is worth going through an exercise of “pros and cons” within your relationship. Jot down the things you do value, that you do like and appreciate in your spouse and in your relationship. Perhaps this isn’t something you do very often - as humans we tend to concentrate on the negative.
Now jot down what things would you like to change or be improved. What does the picture look like? How do you feel when you look at your piece of paper?
Take a few minutes to consider what you have written. How important are the positives, and how damaging the negatives? If you are honest, do you want your spouse to do lots of changing? What are you willing to compromise on, or change in yourself? What would you be willing to commit to doing to improve the relationship? You could discuss this with your partner, or simply go through the exercise on your own.
Imagine your closest friend standing next to you with love and support. What advice do they have for you?
This was a vital question for me. My closest friend at the time of my separation from my post-marriage partner once looked at me and said, “your life is really hard every day, isnt’ it?”. I had to say yes, it was, and I knew I didn’t want my life to feel that way. It shocked me that she saw through the cheerful exterior I portrayed to the world. That question was one of those moments when everything became that little bit clearer. It also lessened my feeling that I would be judged negatively if I ended the relationship.
In the same week, another friend asked me who was in my support network. I listed off a few people, and then she said, “that’s really interesting, I noticed you didn’t mention your partner”. Another penny dropped in that moment.
Neither of those people told me what to do, but the combination of their questions made me stop and think about what I really wanted and deserved.
What am I most afraid of?
Ending a relationship or marriage can be fraught with fear, and so can staying in a marriage that isn’t happy. Fear can really hold you back. Facing your fears head on is challenging, but if you are honest with yourself about what your fears are, and how you could overcome them, you may find that your answer presents itself, one way or another.
On a big piece of paper, write down all your fears. Getting them out of your head and onto paper can be cathartic in itself, as it stops the fears swirling around inside your head. Then ask yourself these questions:
What could I do to overcome or mitigate this fear?
What information do I need to become clear around this?
Who could I talk to about this?
Who could help me prepare?
What choices or options do I have?
What is the worst that could happen?
What is the best that could happen?
I hope you have found these questions thought-provoking, and helpful. It is never an easy decision to make, and I know how challenging it can be.