"Marriage Story" - the film with a message about divorce
Yesterday, I watched Marriage Story on Netflix. It was poignant, sad, and at times very uncomfortable to watch as it told the tale of a marriage unravelling.
The film starts with a touching montage of a husband and wife, Nicole and Charlie, describing the “bits I love” about each other. Charlie loves that Nicole listens, plays, gives great presents, and knows when to push him when he gets stuck. Nicole loves that Charlie is undaunted, neat, organised and thorough, self-sufficient, and that he creates family from whoever is around.
It soon becomes clear that this exercise isn’t a touching memory – instead it is part of a mediation process as Charlie and Nicole negotiate their split. And it is one that Nicole refuses to take part in – she will not read her list aloud and walks out of the meeting, feeling that the mediator has taken Charlie’s side.
It’s downhill from there. Despite early promises to each other that they will listen and put their child, Henry, first, soon there are growing silences, emotional outbursts and we see past resentments and hurt getting in the way of any communication. The couple end up fighting it out in a court hearing that is full of vitriol, accusations and tit-for-tat arguments – and they both look increasingly uncomfortable as the hearing progresses.
So what goes so wrong? How did their good intentions at the start end up being abandoned?
Nicole’s move to LA
The couple had lived and worked in New York, but Nicole had always wanted to move back to her hometown of LA. When an opportunity to appear in a TV series came up in LA, it was too good to turn down. With Charlie’s agreement Nicole moves to LA, taking Henry with her. The unspoken assumption between the couple was that she will return to New York, where they will have apartments near each other, and that the move is temporary.
Nicole’s choice of lawyer
Nicole is advised by a friend to hire lawyer, Nora Fanshaw. Nicole is reluctant to talk to any lawyers, but the friend describes Nora as having “saved my life”. As soon as we meet her, it is obvious that Nora is hard-nosed, aggressive and rapacious. In their first (very uncomfortable) meeting she ignores Nicole’s discomfort and assertions that she wants the divorce to be amicable. She exploits Nicole’s hurt and resentment about her husband’s career, to push Nicole into issuing proceedings and then to serve Charlie with the papers without any warning when he comes to visit Henry.
She creates a story around Nicole’s move to LA and paints Charlie as an absent father who doesn’t care and is obsessed by his work.
She ignores Nicole’s express instructions relating to the division of time with Henry – obtaining a 45/55 split when Charlie is in LA - just because she can.
It is clear that Nora’s ego is in charge, and she has little time or respect for the wishes of her client.
Charlie’s naivity
Charlie finds himself in a situation not of his making. He clings to Nicole’s promises to listen and their agreement not to use lawyers. He is confused and lost. When he receives a call from Nora threatening to file default judgment against him, he is forced to find a lawyer at short notice in LA. The first lawyer he sees asks for a $25,000 fee upfront and talks about hiring a private investigator to find dirt on Nicole in order to “rewrite the narrative”.
Instead Charlie retains a different lawyer, the only one who seems to talk sense and understand what Charlie wants to achieve. But Nora chews him up and spits him out, and he seems defeated by the system. So Charlie reverts to Lawyer number 1.
It soon becomes a “streetfight”, in Nora’s words. It really does seem that Nora is right when she says that the “system rewards bad behaviour”. When their case comes to court, it is nasty, vicious and acrimonious, and all sorts of accusations fly. Nicole and Charlie seem bamboozled and uncomfortable, but powerless to stop the runaway train.
Tug of war over Henry
Henry inevitably gets caught up in the middle. Nora portrays Charlie as a neglectful, absent father who is obsessed with his work. Nicole buys Henry presents as a reward for going with Charlie when he doesn’t want to – Henry prefers the house with a pool to his dad’s empty rental place. Charlie drags Henry all over LA in his search for a lawyer that Nicole hasn’t already consulted. There is an argument over Halloween when Nicole changes the plans, and Charlie ends up taking Henry out for a “second Halloween” wandering the streets of LA before returning to a bland hotel room with 5 sweets and a lighter in his pumpkin.
Emotional reactions
Charlie and Nicole’s attempts to talk become more and more fraught, culminating in an argument that sees them both throwing accusations and raising past hurts and wounds. Charlie ends up punching a wall in frustration and saying that it would be easier if she was hit by a car and died.
I couldn’t help feeling that much of the rising emotion felt by both parties was fed by the adversarial process of divorce, and the aggressive approach of their lawyers, which left Nicole feeling that she had to attack and Charlie feeling criminalised. There was little dignity, and very few of their initial good intentions left.
Moments of kindness
In all this, there were little moments of kindness, like when Nicole cuts Charlie’s hair one evening, as she always used to, and when she hands Henry over to Charlie to take him home to sleep after their second (far more successful) Halloween, even though it isn’t “his night”. And of course, there’s the scene when Charlie finds Henry reading the descriptions that he and Nicole had written about each other right at the start. That brought a real lump to my throat. These were the moments of hope.
Once the divorce case was over, I was left feeling that without the involvement of the lawyers, Charlie and Nicole would be able to navigate the future far more successfully and with much more integrity and kindness than had been possible up to that point.
If you would like to find out how coaching can help you navigate your break-up or divorce, please get in touch and let’s talk.