The early days of any separation can be totally overwhelming. You might wonder how you will get through the next hour, let alone a whole day. Perhaps you find yourself going over and over that last conversation or argument you had before it all imploded, or maybe you just don’t want to open your eyes and face each day. The roller coaster of feelings can be totally unpredictable, and sometimes you can’t guess how you might feel from one day or hour to the next.

If this is you right now, please know that you are not alone.

I’d like to share 11 simple techniques with you that you can use right now to help you to handle the early days of a separation.

Acknowledge and name your feelings

Paul McKenna compares emotions to messengers – they knock on your door and they ask to come in. If you ignore them, or try to push them down, they knock louder and louder until finally they break down the door. So let them in, name them, acknowledge how you feel – by doing this you take away some of the power that feeling has over you.

If you are struggling to identify and name your feelings, you could use this diagram to help you.

Remind yourself that it is OK to feel, it is OK to cry, it is OK not to be OK.

Ride the wave of your feelings

Emotions are transient – they come and go. When you feel a wave of emotion coming, let it happen.

Imagine you are a surfer paddling out to sea, and you see a wave of emotion coming towards you. If you fight the wave, it may knock you sideways. Instead, imagine yourself turning your surfboard, and riding that wave to the beach. Let the emotion wash over you, and notice as it rises and falls.

When you feel it subsiding, imagine that you are landing on the soft sand of the beach, feeling the warm sun on your back. Take some deep breaths, and notice that the emotion has passed.

Use your breath to overpower your thoughts

Breath is more powerful than thoughts.png

Perhaps you have moments when your brain feels overwhelmed by a thousand questions and fears. All those unanswered questions swirl around and around, and you feel like you’re in a fog? When you feel that way, use your breath to overpower your thoughts.

Breathe in while you count to 5, hold for 2, and breathe out while you count to 7. As you breathe out, imagine that you are breathing out a soft mist in your favourite colour, that cocoons you, wraps you and keeps you safe.

Did you notice that you can’t think and count at the same time? Using this breathing technique, you can interrupt your thoughts, calm your heart rate, and bring oxygen back to your brain. I also found it useful for those nights when I couldn’t sleep, or kept waking up.

Chunk your time

I found it incredibly useful to divide my day into small, bitesize chunks. When you focus on the next 5 minutes or the next hour, rather than on a whole morning or day, it helps you to live in the right now. It trains your brain to see time differently, and to notice different things about how time is passing. Notice when you make it through a chunk of time without crying. Notice when you spend 5 minutes laughing with a friend.

Look after your body

I went on the “divorce diet” after my marriage broke down - I couldn’t eat and I felt sick - my body was in shock. When we are under stress, our bodies begin to shut down non-essential functions in order to survive. Your body needs fuel, so if you are struggling to eat meals as usual, try eating little and often to stabilise your blood sugars, and keep your metabolism ticking over without over-working it.

Taking a walk or doing some gentle exercise will also help. It might be the last thing you think you need right now, but a walk or jog in the fresh air will boost your mood by encouraging your body to produce serotonin and dopamine – which boost mood and wellbeing.

Create a support network

Talking can be a lifeline, so let your close friends and family know what is happening. Ask for a hug if you need one, and ask for help if you need it – whether that’s to get to the shops, or pick the children up from school, or for a cup of tea or a shoulder to cry on.

Choose your confidantes wisely, so beware of those friends who just seem to like the drama, or who like to gossip. Notice how you feel when you spend time with people – do you come away feeling better or worse? Right now, spend time with people who lift you, listen to you, and help you to feel better. Listen to your gut and let your instinct guide you.

Be cautious too of the friends who try to tell you what they would do if they were you – remember that they aren’t you, and they aren’t in your shoes.

Consider what other support you might need – perhaps a coach or counsellor (or both), a lawyer, a financial adviser. Having the right professional support will help you to get clarity, shift your focus and see options and choices.

Click here to read my blog, Do I need a divorce coach?

Protect yourself from social media

Perhaps you’re tempted to follow your ex’s every move on social media, or maybe your friends update you. I call this “torture by social media”. Every time you check out what they are doing on social media, it’s like picking a wound. Picking the wound won’t help it to heal. In this case, there is truth in the old saying that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.

Also avoid the temptation to air all your thoughts and feelings on social media. Although it might feel great to receive lots of supportive comments in return offering hearts and hugs or adding to your anger by agreeing with your viewpoint, those benefits are short-lived.

Do things differently

Perhaps you see little reminders of your ex everywhere. How about moving some furniture around, to make your space feel different, more yours? Or perhaps buy some new bed linen or changing the curtains. If you have moved out of your marital home, make your new space comfortable and welcoming, even if it is just your friend’s spare room.

As my client Caroline said:

At first, I was scared whenever I re-entered my home but then I began to change things - I would leave the radio on, put up new photographs, redecorated my bedroom, light candles. I walked around my home and room by room I removed things I didn’t like, so slowly the home became different and I welcomed the change.

Think about what else you could do differently. Get a new haircut, buy a top in your favourite colour, listen to music that cheers you rather than sad love songs. If you always watched the same TV programmes, try something new.

Use your body to feel better

Your body and mind are intrinsically linked. Test this out by curling up into a ball and putting a sad expression on your face. Do you feel sad? By contrast, see what happens when you hold your head up high, raise your arms up and put a grin on your face. How does that feel different?

Set an intention to smile as often as possible

Early on in my divorce, a wise friend told me to plaster on a smile, even if I didn’t feel like it - which I didn’t most of the time. What I didn’t realise then was that smiling and laughing, even if you don’t really feel like it, helps you to heal. When you smile, your brain releases tiny molecules called neuropeptides which help to fight stress, along with endorphins which act as a pain reliever and seratonin which acts as a natural antidepressant.

Do one thing every day that is just for you

You are the one person in your life who will always be there. So treat yourself with kindness, and make a promise to yourself that you will do one thing, just one thing, every day that is just for you. What that is will depend on you. It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming - what matters is that you choose to do something that will nurture you, shift your focus onto you, and give you a sense of being soothed.