When my marriage ended very suddenly, I felt as though someone had taken my whole life, chucked it onto a blanket, and then thrown it up into the air. I was in a state of confusion, overwhelm and fear. I didn’t know where all the different parts of my life would land. Would they land at all? Would I be able to cope? The very image of standing there with my life in the air was enough to send me into a spin – a raised heartrate, breaking into a sweat, and feeling a ball of fear in my belly became an ordinary part of every day.

Perhaps you recognise this feeling? If you do, please know that it is normal to feel that way. Going through a divorce can be painful, distressing and emotionally exhausting.

I am here to reassure you that there are things you can do to help yourself to feel calmer. I know they work, because I used them myself, and I’ve introduced them to many of my clients since.

If you are feeling afraid and overwhelmed right now, here are 3 tips to help you feel a little calmer.

Create a moment of calm

Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Breathe slowly in through your nose, and out through your mouth. As you breathe, listen to your breath going in and out. Put your hands on your belly and notice how it rises and falls.

As you sit, take in the space around you, and notice:

5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

Perhaps you can see the view from the window, or a shadow on the wall, and you can reach out to touch a soft cushion or a glass vase. Maybe you can hear children playing, or the cars on the road outside. You might be able to smell coffee brewing, or the scent of flowers. And perhaps you can taste a square of chocolate.

This technique comes from mindfulness practice and is designed to bring your focus back to where you are now, in the present. The goal isn’t to remove your feelings, or squash them, or push them aside. It simply helps you to take a pause, to slow down and to connect with your body in the here and now.

Your breath is more powerful than your thoughts

Sometimes your thoughts might go round and round in circles, and at these moments, your breath is one of your most powerful tools. It is a resource that is always with you. By practising breathing techniques, you can slow down your heart rate, calm your thoughts, and gift yourself time to think. Breathing deeply brings oxygen into your bloodstream, and your brain, and that will help to calm the feelings of overwhelm.

Remember your thoughts are just thoughts. And you can stop them in their tracks with your breath – because you can’t think and count at the same time.

Next time you notice your thoughts racing, try this exercise:

Breath is more powerful than thoughts.png

Stop!
Breathe in through your nose while you count slowly to 5 in your head
Hold your breath for a count of 2
Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth while you count to 8
As you breathe out, listen to your breath, and imagine that you are breathing out all your stress. Imagine that it turns into a soft mist, which floats away on the breeze.
Repeat x 3.

Notice how much calmer you feel now.

Use your imagination to bring calm

The way we see ourselves in the situation we are in can be hugely powerful. Our brains are amazing, and can conjure up all kinds of images. The good news is that you can control your brain, and you can play with the images you create. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between something that you imagine, and something that is real. You have the power to use your imagination to help you.

Let me give you an example of how powerful your imagination can be, and how you can use it to bring calm.

One of my clients, Martha, recently explained how, in her mind’s eye, she saw herself standing in her doorway, in the middle of a hurricane, with all the different parts of her life swirling around her. She was in the eye of the storm, lost and confused with nowhere to turn. This image invaded her dreams and reflected how powerless she felt to face the storm outside. When she saw herself in that place, she felt afraid, alone, frightened.

When I asked her what resources she needed to feel safe, she said that she needed to feel grounded, and to know that she had a safe place to breathe. Together we explored how that safe space looked and felt. She described a wonderful woodland clearing with soft green grass, fragrant meadow flowers, and the cool shade of old oak trees. It is a space in which she feels safe to breathe – a haven of peace where she can escape the hurricane.

When she summons up this place in her mind, she is able to watch the hurricane pass by. It still swirls and rages, but she is safe in her woodland clearing while it passes. She watches as it moves on, and disappears over the horizon. In that space, she feels more in control, more powerful, more confident and more resilient. And she knows that the hurricane will pass.

These are just 3 of the strategies I often use to help my clients bring moments of calm in the eye of a storm. When you’re in the middle of a divorce, those moments can feel like an oasis of calm, where there is hope and a quiet peace.

If you would like to explore how I can help you move from crisis to calm, please get in touch, and let’s talk.

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