Top tips for handling a challenging ex - taking back your power
Is your ex particularly challenging? Do you find yourself flinching every time your phone pings, in case it’s them, sending another aggressive message? Or perhaps your ex was controlling and manipulative during your marriage, and continues to try to exert control now, by being difficult around finances, or by using your children as weapons. Do you worry that your ex is bad-mouthing you to your friends and family, getting their “flying monkeys” on-side, and turning others against you?
Dealing with a very challenging ex can leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed, afraid, powerless, helpless, alone, angry and frustrated.
This blog will suggest a few things you could choose to do differently, to take your power back, so you feel you have choice.
After all, if you keep doing the same thing, and getting the same result, then it may be time to do something different!
Choose your support team wisely
Create a strong support team around you. You’ll need support. Get good legal advice so that you know what you can do in terms of legal options, and consider working with a professional coach or counsellor to help you handle your emotions.
Choose your confidantes wisely and carefully. When you next spend time with someone, take notice of how you feel while you’re with them, and afterwards.
Choose to spend more time with your Radiators – these people are warm and comforting, when you spend time with them you feel better, more uplifted, more positive. They listen, understand and care for you – without telling you what to do.
Who is your 3 am friend -that person who will drop everything to help you?
Avoid:
Drains, or energy vampires, who leave you feeling drained of energy – perhaps they talk about themselves all the time, or ny problem you’ve got, they’ve got one a hundred times worse.
Drama llamas, who seem to thrive on the drama, who want to know every little detail, but will also gossip about you when you aren’t there. They get a kick out of hearing about your troubles and may not have any useful advice to add. Not only that, when you tell them your story, it keeps you tied into the emotion of that story.
The “If I were you brigade, who start sentences with “if I were you”… Remember that they aren’t you. They aren’t in your situation, and they aren’t in your shoes. If these people are also angry on your behalf, and suggest you do things to exact revenge, remember they also aren’t the ones who will have to live with any consequences of any action you take!
Remember what you can and can’t control
Fundamentally, you can’t control them. And if you try to, your energy will all be channelled towards them – it may exhaust you, break you down – and it may even be that is their intention.
If your ex has always been controlling, difficult and challenging, don’t expect them to change now – don’t imagine that they might suddenly become kind and caring, because they won’t suddenly grow a conscience, and you’ll just be disappointed. You need to deal with them as they are, not try to change them. Instead, think about what you could do differently.
When you work out what you CAN do, rather than focusing on what you can’t do,
you can focus on looking for ways forward, and consider what choices you have.
Put your energy into YOU, and strategies that you can control – this is where you power lies.
Discretionary engagement
Remember that you ALWAYS have a choice – whether, when and how you respond. You don’t have to reply to every message your ex sends, or every question they ask right away. You can take your time. Get advice if you need to.
Read Lucy’s story to see just how powerful Discretionary Engagement can be in freeing you from past patterns.
Lucy’s ex used to send lots of messages, some of them very personal and critical. Because of how their marriage had been, and his expectation that she would always reply quickly, Lucy felt that she had to respond straight away to every message he sent and answer every question he asked.
It was a lightbulb moment for Lucy when she realised that she had a choice, that she could take a deep breath, and CHOOSE whether to respond, how to respond, or not to respond at all.
Set boundaries
A boundary is a guideline, rule or limit that you create for yourself, to identify what behaviours you will accept from others, and how you will respond when someone steps over those limits.
Deepak Chopra compares boundaries to a screen door, which allows a cool breeze to come in but keeps insects and leaves out. The screen door is yours to control - you can decide whether and how far you open it. If you open it too far, the leaves and insects can come in, and it can be a struggle to close it again.
It's important to decide on your own boundaries, and to set limits for your interactions, especially with a challenging person.
Top tips:
Set your boundary out clearly, calmly, firmly, concisely, and in as few words as possible.
Clearly state what you will do if that boundary is overstepped.
Don’t debate, justify, get angry, or apologize for the boundary you are setting.
You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a respectful manner.
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting.
Some people, especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm.
Remember, your behaviour must match the boundary you are setting – so don’t set a boundary that you aren’t prepared to stick to.
Remember you can’t MAKE them see, or understand, or change their thinking – but you can set out your boundaries clearly and stick to them.
Examples:
“I will not respond to emails containing personal attacks on me. I will only respond to questions about arrangements for the children.”
“I will not reply to texts or emails you send me during working hours. I will read and respond once I am able.”
“I will not tolerate being shouted at. If you continue to shout, I will leave the room and end the conversation.”
“I will not make a decision right now. I need time to reflect and think. I will respond to you once I have been able to do that.”
Notice that all the behaviours in the examples are things that you CAN control. You have not asked the other person to do anything – you have simply told them how you will respond to their behaviour.
Think your boundaries through in advance, and practice saying them in front of a mirror, or with a friend. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will become.
Take control of YOUR part in communication
When you are communicating with someone challenging, set yourself guidelines around how you will communicate with them. For example, my client Roger created a checklist that he used every time he wrote an email or replied to an email from his ex-wife. He kept his checklist next to his computer, so that he could check it every time he had to correspond with his ex-wife.
He also decided that he would draft his response, then leave it 24 hours if possible before checking and sending. When sending, he would consider the timing of the message.
He also decided that when an email came in from her, he would:
Read it through once
Print it out
Put a line through anything that was a personal attack
Highlight only the points that needed a response
Leave it for 24 hours if possible
Take advice if needed
Respond ONLY to the points that needed a response
Keep all messages filed away in a folder.
In this way, Roger took back control over his reactions and responses. He had a checklist to refer to, and he knew that if he followed it, he would be proud of his own behaviour.
If you have to meet face to face, be prepared – ALWAYS
Think about what you will wear – wear clothes that help you to feel confident. Hold your head up high and take deep breaths to calm your stress response. Remember to Stop, breathe, think before you respond.
You can also use your imagination to help you:
Put on a shiny Teflon coat, with slopey shoulders – so that negativity slides off and doesn’t stick
Imagine you have an invisible force field to ward off negativity. Any angry words simply bounce off
Imagine that you are attending a business meeting, where there is no emotion
Imagine them as something funny to reduce their power (perhaps your ex could sound like Kevin the Teenager or Mickey Mouse?)
Rehearse what you want to say in advance. Practice in front of a mirror or run through the scene in your mind until you are comfortable with what you want to say, how you want to stand, how you want to feel.
Prepare “exit” sentences, for example, “I am choosing to leave now”; “I am not willing to be drawn on this until I have taken advice” - practice them until you feel comfortable.
Your brain doesn’t know the difference between something that you imagine and something that you remember. After you practice in your mind or out loud, when you are faced with the scenario you’re worried about, your brain will remember all your practice, and know what you need to do.
Be like a Grey rock
If your ex is very difficult and seems to enjoy and thrive on causing you stress and pain, then consider using the “grey rock” technique. It is widely advised if you are dealing with a difficult person from whom you can’t cut contact – perhaps because you have children together. Essentially, it means making yourself as boring as possible, and giving as little as possible away.
Imagine they are a stranger to whom you have no emotional attachment
Make all your interactions as boring, short and uninteresting as possible – do not engage in conversation
Keep communication factual
Keep communication to a minimum
Give nothing away – don’t tell them how you feel or give them any personal information – this avoids giving them anything they can use against you
Don’t argue with them – this gives them what they want and draws you back in
Don’t try to make them understand, or try to explain – it won’t work and is counterproductive
Be a stuck record if you need to – “I am not willing to discuss that right now”.
Set your boundaries and stick to them
Don’t tell them you are using this technique – the goal is to take away the “reward” of added conflict or drama by being very dull and uninteresting. If you tell them that’s what you’re doing, you defeat the object.
Be aware they may up the ante as they won’t like you being a grey rock – so don’t respond to their responses which may be angry and accusatory.
Look after yourself
Dealing with a challenging ex is tiring and it can deplete your energy. So it’s really important to remember to “put the glass down”. This short story illustrates the point really nicely.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 8oz to 20oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralysed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralysed - incapable of doing anything."
So give yourself permission to put the glass down. Do things that you enjoy. Do something kind for yourself every day.
I hope this blog has given you some ideas of new strategies you can try. If you would like to talk about how I could help support you through coaching, please get in touch!