With many couples struggling financially, more and more have to live together through their divorce. With more people working from home since Covid, this can be stressful and exhausting. So what can you do to handle this challenge?

Please be aware this article isn’t appropriate if there is abuse or domestic violence in your relationship - if this is the case, please do take a look here or here for advice and guidance on staying safe.

Keep your long-term goal at the forefront of your mind

How do you want to feel about this period in years to come?

What is your intention right now? Is it to make life as easy or as tricky as possible for yourself, your ex and your children?

How do you want your children to remember this time?

If you live until you are 80, that’s 960 months, 29220 days, and 701,280 hours of life. This period is a miniscule percentage of that. When you reframe it like that, it does feel better!

Once you are clear what you want to achieve, keep that in the forefront of your mind, and ask yourself whether the action you are about to take, or the words you are about to say, will take you closer to or further away from that goal.

Remember that you are all in this situation, and it isn’t ideal for anyone

It isn’t what happens to you that makes the difference; it is what you do with what happens to you.

You have a choice as to how you handle this. If you can approach the situation from a place of compassion and acceptance that it is challenging for you all, you can increase your patience. Where you lead, the others around you may follow.

Create a ‘bubble of protection’

If you find your ex challenging to be around, imagine yourself inside a bubble of protection, that keeps you safe. Use it to prevent angry words from getting under your skin.

I had a client recently who imagined herself wearing a helmet that allowed her words out, but prevented negativity from coming in.

Or imagine yourself wearing a jacket with very slippery, slidey shoulders. Any negative words just slide off and fall to the floor.

Remember to breathe!

Remember to breathe. When you feel your stress levels rising, breathe in while you count to 5, hold for 2, and breathe out again for 7. Notice how when you count, you can’t think. Your breath is more powerful than your thoughts.

If you feel an argument starting, stop, breathe and think before you respond. Make a conscious choice to be calm, and not to enter into a cycle of conflict.

If you are into mindfulness, or yoga, or meditation, then those practices could really help you now. If you haven’t tried them, perhaps now is a good time to start.

Have your own space

Do you have a space that is yours? The ability to retreat to somewhere that you know is just for you, where you can relax and know that you can take time to breathe, have a cup of tea, a G & T, read a book or talk to a friend is so valuable right now.

If this isn’t something you have thought about before, can you and your ex agree that there is a room that each of you can use as ‘yours’, and that the other will not use it? Even if you don’t have room to make this possible, can you both have “your” chair, or an agreement that if one of you is in a particular space, the other will respect that? It will benefit you both.

learn from what has already worked, or not worked

Think about what HAS worked to date in your arrangements and consider how you can use that experience now.

If your arrangement works because you were never both in at the same time, how you could organise a routine so that you aren’t both using the same space at the same time? Do you have a TV each? Can you watch Netflix on laptops in separate places? Do you both need to cook at the same time, or can you devise a rota?

Make the most of time with the children

Make sure you take time out to play. Playing with your children has the added benefit of creating endorphins and injecting some laughter into your day. If your children are older, perhaps now is the time to learn to play Fortnight.

Can you take it in turns to look after the children, enabling you both to spend time with them without the other? When you find the mutual benefit, everyone has something to gain.

Lean on, and strengthen your support network

When you have evenings or weekends to yourself, lean on your friends. Know who your “3am friend” is - that friend you can call on in the night when things feel at their hardest. You may never need to, but knowing that friend is there is comforting.

Know who are your radiator friends - those friends who lift you, help you to feel better and ask you what you need. Avoid the drains, those people who always make you feel worse, or exhausted (we all have them!).

Be mindful of who you share everything with and avoid over-sharing with those ‘friends’ who just want to gossip about you.

Find the upside

Ask yourself if there was one positive aspect to this, however tiny, what would it be? What do you have time to do now that you struggled to fit in before? Which box sets could you catch up on? What could you learn?

Find the funny

What makes you laugh? Do you have a favourite comedian? Find them on YouTube and make sure you laugh. Giggles are good, and they help to break a negative state.

Do things you love and that make you smile

Do things that make you feel better – read that book you’ve been saving for your holiday, take a hot bath, listen to music you love, sing loudly in the shower, do some yoga or stretches in the garden.

Be grateful for the little things

Take 5 minutes each morning to focus on the positives in your life, however small – the view from the window, fresh air in the garden, the joyous greeting your dog gives you first thing in the morning, a wave from a friendly neighbour.

Look for small moments of joy and happiness in the little things around you.

Know that this too shall pass

If nothing else, know that this too shall pass. In 5 years’ time, this period of time will be a distant memory, and your life will look and feel entirely different. Imagine what that you of 5 years’ time might say to you now…