A message from your adult child about your divorce
The number of “silver splitters” (defined as people over 55) seeking a divorce has been rising in recent years. Many of those couples have been married for several decades, and have grown up children.
If you search the internet for advice on how to tell your children you are getting a divorce, or how to support children through divorce, most of the results will refer to young children, or teenagers. There is very little advice out there for couples with adult children, and often the refrain is “they are independent now, this won’t affect them; they have their own lives, their own children now”.
In my experience, this isn’t the case. Your divorce as the parent of grown up children can still have a profound effect.
I’ve talked to grown up children of divorced and divorcing parents and these are the things they really want you to know:
“This is painful for me too”
Even though they’ve left home, and are independent, your divorce will still affect them. It may have come as a shock. Whether you are 7, 25 or 39, it can still be devastating when your parents have to sell the home you grew up in, even though you moved out 10 or even 20 years ago.
However old they are, your children need you to do more than just talk to them. They need you to ask them how they feel, listen to their answers, and be there to answer their questions, or give them a hug. They need you to hear their feelings, without trying to fix it, excuse it, or bury it.
“Please don’t share details I don’t need to know”
As children grow older, their relationship with you changes, and may become more of a friendship than a hands-on, every-day ‘parenting’ relationship. When things are challenging, you might tend to lean on your children for emotional support.
A word of warning though - sharing the gory details of your latest row with your ex, or your date last night, is likely to be uncomfortable for your child.
Choose instead to look for emotional support from elsewhere – friends, or better still a coach or therapist trained to help you handle your emotions.
“Don’t ask me to pick a side”
Just like younger children, adult children don’t want to be caught in the crossfire between you. They may feel hurt, conflicted and upset. Remind yourself that your child is made up of 50% of both of you, and they love you both.
I remember working with a lovely client, whose adult children were very distressed by her divorce. It had been a shock for everyone, and they were devastated by what they saw as their dad’s betrayal of their mum. My client was angry and hurt too, and it would have been very easy to bring the children into a bitter battle with her ex-husband. Instead, she worked hard to maintain a level of dignity and resilience that her children noticed and commented on:
“Mum, we are so proud, and have learnt a great example of courage, strength and dignity from you”
However old they are, they don’t want to be put in the middle and to feel forced to choose between you.
“Is this my fault? Did you stay together for my sake? Was the happy childhood I remember a lie?”
Many grown up children find that their parents’ divorce throws up all sorts of questions and doubts about the validity of their memories of childhood. For some it can shake their fundamental beliefs about themselves – especially if you overshare details of past hurts.
Reassure your children that your divorce is not their fault or their responsibility, and that just because you are divorcing now, it doesn’t mean their memories are false, or built on a lie. Reassure them that, although you are choosing to be apart now, you chose to be together then, and those memories are still special.
“Please don’t make it difficult for me to choose how I split my time with you both on holidays like Christmas”
Once you are divorced, many adult children must spread themselves even thinner over holiday periods, and it can be stressful trying to keep everyone happy. If they have families and children of their own, it can become even more tricky. Unlike cases involving younger children, there are no courts or processes to go through to reach agreement over who stays where at Christmas. It is usually the adult children themselves who have to choose how to organise their time.
The message I have heard loud and clear is that when you are flexible about arrangements, or willing to share time, it makes it easier. When you accept your children going to their other parent with a smile, it helps them to enjoy their time with you both without feeling guilty.
“Please celebrate special times in my life with me together if you can, and without bitterness”
Although my children were very young when I got divorced, I am acutely aware that one day, I will need to attend a wedding, a graduation, a landmark birthday, a christening – and my ex will be there. I know that I want my children to feel comfortable that we could all be in the same place together. I don’t want them to have to agonise over table plans, or worry that there will be an ugly scene.
All the adult children I have spoken to have said that it is hugely important to them that their parents can put their differences aside for the special days in their lives. Put your love for your children above your dislike for your ex.
However old your children are, you will always be their parent, and they will always look to you for a lead. Show them that despite your divorce, you are there for them when it matters.
You have the remote control to your brain, and you can do this, however hard it might seem. Remind yourself that you once loved each other enough to have children. Do your best to find the good in each other rather than expecting the worst. It might not always be easy, but your children will be grateful for it.
If this blog resonates with you, and you would like to explore how we could work together further, please contact me by clicking on the link below.