When your children live between 2 homes - how to take the conflict out of handovers
For many parents, the transfer of their child or children from one home to the other is a stressful point in the week.
Many may recognise aspects of this story:
Joe is 5 years old. His Mum and Dad are in the middle of getting divorced. Joe lives mostly with his Mum and spends every other Friday – Monday living with his Dad. His Dad comes to collect him at 5 pm, but his Mum doesn’t want his Dad to come to the house. So Joe waits by the front window until he sees his Dad’s car pull up. Then he says goodbye to his Mum, puts on his little rucksack with his teddy, and walks to the end of the drive to Dad’s car. It takes him a few minutes, as the drive is long and his legs are only short. Dad doesn’t get out of the car, and Mum stays in the doorway, watching as Joe leaves. Sometimes Mum gets upset before he leaves, and sometimes Dad seems cross when he gets in the car.
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My son is 14, nearly 15. His Dad and I separated when he was 18 months old, so he has been travelling between two homes for over 12 years. He has plenty of experience! I asked him what he thought about how Joe was travelling to his Dad’s. His first question was “how old did you say Joe is?” “5”. “5?”. “Yes, 5”. “That doesn’t sound like a very good plan for a 5 year old”. I asked him why not.
His answers:
Joe is only 5 and probably won’t understand why his Dad can’t collect him from the house.
Every time he leaves Mum’s house to go to Dad’s, or Dad brings him back, he walks by himself from the car to the door. He isn’t usually allowed to walk out of the house by himself, so why doesn’t either Mum or Dad go with him and hold his hand?
If this is how it always is, Joe will remember the feeling of that long walk from the door to the car and back again long after he’s grown up.
When Joe sees that his Mum is upset, he might worry about her while he’s away.
It sounds as though Joe’s Mum might be going through an emotional time, and perhaps she’s in pain – but Joe doesn’t understand this. All he knows is his Mum and Dad don’t speak to each other, and he wishes they did. He might even wonder if it is his fault somehow.
Joe doesn’t understand why his parents don’t like each other. He loves them both, and it makes him sad.
I asked my son what message he would give to Joe’s Mum and Dad. After a moment’s thought, he said:
“You don’t have to be friends. You don’t have to like each other. But you do have to consider what’s best for your child – and that’s to have a relationship with both parents. Please don’t involve Joe in your troubles.”
I considered this with Stacey Nevin, a senior associate in the family department at Kingsley Napley LLP, who shared her thoughts with me:
“The practical arrangements for “handovers” can sometimes be an afterthought, where a lot of work has gone into agreeing the time the child spends living with each parent, but not how the child transitions between their two homes beyond the date and time. As a result, the physical arrangements (i.e. where a car should be parked, where the child meets each parent etc) can be rushed; nobody wants to go to court where the contact schedule has been agreed but handovers or transitions are still in dispute, and as a result individuals can feel railroaded into agreeing a less than ideal handover arrangement to secure agreement to the contact schedule and time with their child.
However, these aspects are just as important; they mark the start and end of time with each parent and can carry the greatest risk of the child being exposed to conflict. Finding ways to manage this in a child focused manner is so important. Where this is proving difficult, sometimes third party assistance can help, such as a family mediator (an independent, professionally trained individual) who can help you both work out an arrangement that works for both of you and crucially your child.
The practical arrangements for contact arrangements should never be an afterthought and consideration should be given to how the proposed arrangements will feel for the child, who is the one living that experience. There are of course some cases where there are safeguarding concerns between the parents, and having both parents physically present at handovers is not an option. However, where this is not the case, simply not wanting to see or acknowledge your ex could have a negative impact on your child’s wellbeing. I imagine the walk up and down the drive for Joe could feel like the longest walk of that little boy’s life.”
Here are 5 tips to take some of the stress or conflict out of the transition between homes for your child:
Be honest about your intentions/motivations
Be honest with yourself about your intentions. By making the transition between one home and the other logistically tricky, what are you really trying to do? If, deep down, your intention is to punish your ex, or make their life difficult, or to hurt them in the same way that they have hurt you, acknowledge that. And then ask yourself whether that intention is really serving you:
Is it the right thing to do?
What impact is it having on your children?
Is it keeping you stuck in conflict or pain?
What might be a better intention to hold?
Step into your childrens’ shoes
Imagine being your child when they are making the transition from one home to the other. Really imagine you are them – with their feelings, experiences, and see it through their eyes:
What do they see?
What do they hear?
What do they feel?
What do they want?
What message would they give you?
Separate the roles in your mind
Your ex-partner is exactly that to you – your ex. There are reasons why you are no longer a couple. However, your children are not divorcing your ex-partner. To them, they are a mother, a father, a parent.
When your children move from one home to the other, shift your focus away from seeing your “ex-partner”, to seeing your child’s parent. Some suggestions:
Think of one thing about their role as a parent that they do well, even if it’s only “they pick the children up on time”. Focus on that one thing rather than the other things about them that you could criticise.
Remind yourself that you once loved this person enough to have a child with them. Putting your children between you gives them a choice no child wants to make.
Consider what you want your relationship to be like when your child gets married/graduates/has a baby – behave in a way that will take you closer to that goal.
Use strategies to help you cope better
If you find it challenging to see your ex-partner without your emotions rising, try these tips:
There is a difference between being friends and being friendly. You don’t have to be friends, but being courteous, polite and civil goes a long way. It sets the tone. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can be courteous, polite and civil, even if they aren’t.
Imagine yourself wearing a coat with slippery, sliding shoulders, so that any negativity simply slides off. Or that you are inside a bubble of protection so that any angry words bounce back.
Imagine them speaking like Kevin the Teenager or wearing big clown shoes and a funny hat – when you can find something funny, it reduces the negative impact in your mind.
Wear clothes that help you to feel good, stand with your shoulders back and your head held high.
Find the upside – rather than dreading the time your children are away, look for the upside. What could you do with that time that you couldn’t do before? How could you make the time special for you? Give yourself things to look forward to.
Remember you always have CHOICE
Whilst you can’t control them, you can control YOU. Remind yourself that you always have a choice about how you respond. You can choose whether you enter into an angry exchange or not. If they say something that riles you, take a deep breath and stop before you reply. Make a conscious decision not to rise to the bait. Practice being firm but calm, for example “I won’t discuss that now in front of the children. Please email me or call me later in the week”.
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