Getting back on “the scene” after a break up or divorce can be scary – I know! There are so many apps out there, and it can feel very overwhelming – so here are my top 5 do’s, and don’ts when you’re thinking about getting back out there…

Do:

Know who YOU are

Before you date, work out what really matters to you – what are your values? What do you enjoy doing? What are your goals and dreams?

Know what you’re looking for!

Be positive, specific and clear – create an avatar of your ideal partner. In particular:

· What values do they hold?

· What qualities are most important?

· What do you find physically attractive?

· Are there any deal breakers for you (maximum of 3!)

This will help you recognise your ideal partner when you meet them, it will help you to narrow down your choices, and it will give you questions to ask your date when you meet them.

Be open to opportunities

Enjoy the process! Dating can be fun – you will meet new people, you can try new places, experiences and activities. Explore, be curious and interested, listen and find out about what your date enjoys.

Remember that dating isn’t just online either – so do things you enjoy, find groups you want to belong to, join in with activities that appeal to you. Widen your social circle. What floats your boat?

Be clear with your boundaries

Before you date, create yourself a set of “self-boundaries”. Think about:

· What am I prepared to do on date 1 /2/3?

· How often do I want to see anyone I date?

· How soon will I introduce someone I like to my friends?

Make sure you protect your friendships too – avoid ditching your friends for someone you’ve only just met.

Know how to end it politely

With the rise of ghosting, it seems common for dates to simply “disappear”, without any feedback, or courtesy. Here’s a simple message you could use:

“Hi [date], I enjoyed meeting you, and thank you for your time. I didn’t feel that elusive spark, however, so it isn’t for me. I wish you well in your search”.

Don’ts:

Date before you are ready!

How do I know when I’m ready? This will be different for everyone, but in general, if you are dating because:

· You feel a lot of pain after your split and you hope it will make you feel better;

· You want to punish your ex, or make them jealous; or

· You are scared to be on your own

you are probably not ready. Looking to dating to fill a gap in your life won’t work long-term.

Dating doesn’t have to mean looking for your next long term partner – it can also be fun to help you work out what you do and don’t want in your next term partner.

Go for the exact opposite of your ex

I’ve been there, done that! Avoid the rebound relationship.

It’s easy to assume that because your ex was loud, sociable, and the life and soul of the party, that you now want someone who is quiet, introverted and who enjoys solitude more than group gatherings.

Whilst you may instinctively go for someone who doesn’t remind you of your ex in any way, there are probably aspects of your ex that you DID like, and that you would like to see in a new partner.

Over-invest too quickly

If you’re on dating apps, you’ve probably felt that frisson of excitement when you’re texting someone new, and it feels thrilling. Be careful – if you’re already messaging someone multiple times a day, and sharing the details of your life, take a pause. You may be disappointed when you actually meet them!

Take your eye off the ball in your divorce

A new relationship can be fun and exciting, full of laughter and hope. Perhaps you are dreaming of a future with this person, and it’s having an impact on your emotions in your divorce. You only have one chance to agree the financial division of your assets, and thinking too far ahead can have consequences if you start to rely on your new partner being around long-term.

Don’t bet your future financial independence on someone you’ve only recently met.

Ignore red flags!

The excitement of a new relationship can blind you to red flags waving… A couple to highlight:

How do they talk about their ex? Do they speak of them in positive, or neutral language, or do they describe them as a nightmare? The person with a “nightmare ex” may have a nightmare ex, or they may have an issue with taking responsibility for their part – and one day, you may be their “nightmare ex”.

If your date showers you with affection, gifts, promises, expensive meals and trips away, please take a pause. Is it all too much too soon? Do you feel comfortable? Are they love-bombing you? If you ask them to slow down, do they listen?