If your friend is going through a separation or divorce, you can feel pretty powerless to help them feel better. Perhaps their grief is overwhelming, or their anger is all-consuming, or you just don’t know what to say.

Here are 7 tips to help your friend:

Ask them what they need

I found that sometimes my friends didn’t know what to say or how to comfort me – after all, they couldn’t fix the problem. Some of them didn’t contact me, perhaps because they didn’t know what to say. Some gave me meaningless platitudes that made me want to scream.

Others asked the best question – “what do you need?”

My answer varied from day to day, from “a hug please”, to “could I come over for a cup of tea?”, to “do you know how to mend a leaky tap?”.

At a time when my life felt upside down, it was comforting to know that I had friends who could ask me what I needed; it gave me a sense of certainty.

Check in regularly

Check in with your friend often, even if it’s a quick “how are you doing today?” text, a bunch of flowers left outside the front door, or dropping by for 5 minutes on the way home. Don’t be offended if they don’t reply, and don’t give up.

Listen

If they want to talk, listen with empathy, without offering solutions or trying to fix the problem – unless of course they say they ask you to offer a fix.

Sometimes they just need to let off steam as part of their healing process.

Avoid “if I were you” and “I think you should” statements

Whatever it is you think they “should” do (whether that’s instructing an aggressive lawyer, or refusing to enable visiting the children), remember that you aren’t them, you aren’t in their shoes, and you won’t have to handle the consequences of whatever action you advise!

Don’t fuel the angry fire!

One of my clients, M, asked my advice recently about whether she’d done the right thing when she bumped into the woman her ex had fling with – the friend she was with had suggested this was an ideal opportunity to challenge or confront her. M has been coaching with me for a few months now, and her immediate reaction was to stop and breathe, and ask herself, “what would the Best version of me do?”. She walked on by, and she feels proud of herself for doing so.

Encourage them to take positive steps and make some plans

One of the most helpful things one of my friends did when I was first separated was to suggest we sit down and create a list of activities I’d like to do with my kids (who were pre-school age at the time) over the next 6 months. Creating that list gave me focus, purpose and hope – three really powerful things.

Include them in invitations

You’d be surprised how often I got left out of party or dinner invitations as a newly single person. I’m not sure why, but suddenly, invitations to anything other than girls’ or boys’ nights out can become thin on the ground. Please don’t be that person who doesn’t invite your newly single friend because they “muck up the numbers”.

Gift them a copy of Break up: from Crisis to Confidence

Perhaps the most useful gift you could give them right now would be a copy of a book designed to support them through a break up, to take back control, manage their emotions and make empowered choices -from day 1 right through to creating the blueprint for their new life post-divorce.

Please do get in touch to explore how I could help support your friend through their separation or divorce, to feel better and navigate their way through.

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