Trust is perhaps the cornerstone of a healthy, loving relationship, the solid ground on which a relationship is built. It is the basis for our relationships with our partners, friends, family, colleagues, and ourselves. When you trust someone, you can be open, honest, vulnerable and you can grow knowing you are safe.

If you’ve been betrayed, experienced abuse in a relationship, or your trust has been broken, it can feel like a huge challenge to trust anyone again.

So, how do you know when you can trust someone?

In this talk, Brene Brown suggests there are 7 key indicators of trustworthiness - using the acronym BRAVING.

boundaries

Someone who is trustworthy will respect your boundaries.

Boundaries are rules you create for yourself, to identify what behaviours you are willing to accept from others, and how you will respond if someone steps over those limits. Having healthy boundaries in a relationship means you can say no with confidence, and it is accepted - and you also accept it when others say no to you.

In a relationship of trust, you are both able to be clear about where your boundaries lie, you can discuss them, and know they will be respected.

Reliability

Someone trustworthy will do what they say they will do, when they say they will do it. They are clear on what they can do. Consistently. If the situation changes, they let you know, and they communicate clearly.

Being reliable 50%, 60% or even 70% of the time isn’t enough.

Accountability

Someone trustworthy will take responsibility when they make a mistake, they will apologise, and importantly, they will make amends or behave differently next time. They will also give you the opportunity to do the same when you make a mistake.

I always say to my children that the best form of apology is a change in behaviour. Anyone can apologise and not mean it, and keep doing the same thing. Changing your behaviour, or discussing the issue with compassion with an intention to understand and shift means your apology was not empty.

vault

Someone trustworthy will keep your confidences. They won’t gossip about you with other people. They won’t share stories that aren’t theirs to share.

And they won’t gossip to you about other people either. Brene Brown describes gossip as “common enemy intimacy” - it is a way to “hotwire connection” with a friend through creating a bond against someone else. Far from being a sign of trustworthiness, this is a red flag. How someone talks about others to you is a sign of how they may talk about you to others when you aren’t there.

integrity

Someone trustworthy will act within their values and principles. They won’t shy away from an uncomfortable conversation if one is needed, or take the fast, easy route over doing what’s right.

Their actions and their words will match. If they say they love you, their actions will also show you they love you. You won’t be confused or wonder where you stand, because you will know.

non-judgement

Someone trustworthy will listen and enable you to be vulnerable in a safe space. They won’t judge you when you ask for help, or laugh at you when you tell them about something that has upset or disturbed you. They won’t minimise how you feel, or tell you you shouldn’t feel that way. Instead, they will allow space for you to talk and feel.

generosity

Someone trustworthy will assume the most generous interpretation of your words, intentions and behaviours. They won’t leap to negative conclusions about you. Instead they will approach you with curiosity and compassion, and ask questions to understand.

When you meet someone new, watch out for these 7 key indicators - when you spot them, it’s a sign you can trust that person to enable you to be yourself, to grow and develop.

You can also use them as guidelines for your own behaviour and thoughts - how well do you give the gift of trust to your relationships?