Father’s Day without the kids can be challenging when you’re separated or going through a divorce, particularly if you aren’t seeing your children on the day. Perhaps it doesn’t fit into your shared care routine, or you haven’t been able to negotiate a swap. Or maybe communication with your ex-partner has broken down, or you’re in the middle of a court case over shared care.

Whatever the reason, not seeing your children on Fathers’ Day (or indeed Mothers’ Day) can leave you feeling sad and overwhelmed, or angry and resentful, with your focus on what you have lost.

Please be reassured you do have a choice. Although you may not be able to change the situation right now, you can change how you feel about it.

You can make a conscious decision to do something differently, to choose how you react, to reframe your thinking – and your choices will have a significant impact on how you feel.

Here are 6 tips to help you reframe your thinking:

**Make a plan, and focus on what you can do**

Where you focus your energy will follow. So when you focus your thoughts on not seeing the children this Sunday, your energy will follow. Instead, ask yourself how you could make it better for you.

Can you Facetime with them, wherever they are? Could you arrange a special trip out with them for the next time you see them? Could you write them each a card? Can you celebrate on a different day?

Brainstorm a list of choices and decide to do one of them. Take charge of your thoughts and turn them around.

On the day itself, shift your focus and do something that you enjoy and that you know helps you to feel good. Arrange to see a friend, go for a long run or cycle – whatever it is that feeds your soul.

Focus on the time you do have

If your children aren’t with you this Father’s Day, focus on the time you do have with them, rather than dwelling on this one day that you don’t.

Choose a different day to celebrate with them. Do something special with them next time you see them – it may be easier to book on a different date, and you may have more choice.

One of my clients recently sat with his children to create a list together of things they would love to do, places to visit, people to see. He kept the list on his fridge, and they spent time planning those things into their time together. Save memories by taking photos and putting them up on a memories board or collage.

Model someone who does it well

Do you have a friend who is also a divorced parent, who seems to do this well, who is able to handle these events with calm? Ask them how they do it. Perhaps ask them if you can spend some time with them this Fathers’ Day.

I remember a friend asking me once how I coped with Christmas on the years our children were with their Dad – I always looked for the upside, the silver lining, and focussed on that. I could go away, I could spend Christmas with my boyfriend, I could drink too much fizz with my friends, I didn’t have to cook a turkey – all upsides for me.

Your children will take their cue from you

If you are angry and resentful, they are likely to feel conflicted and stressed. When you are upbeat and talk about what you can do next time you’re together, they will take your lead.

Notice your language, and Tell the story differently

How do you talk about Father’s Day? What words do you use? How do you talk about your ex-partner’s behaviours/actions/approach when you talk about it?

The words you use, and the story you tell, have huge power to affect how you feel. Every time you talk about how terrible you feel, how unfair it is, or how sad/resentful/angry you are, you feel those feelings all over again – and they can keep you stuck in a place of bitterness.

Instead, try talking about what you are going to do instead, and notice how that feels different. Notice also how, when you change how you talk about it, people start to respond differently to you – instead of feeling sorry for you, they may start to tell you how impressed they are, how proud they are of the way you are dealing with this.

Choose to stay off social media

Whatever you do, don’t indulge in “torture by social media” – ie. looking to see what all your Dad friends are doing, what your ex is doing, what the influencer you follow in Instagram is doing. Take the weekend off social media. Don’t poke the wound.

It is your choices that will make the difference.

Your choices and decisions are 100% within your power to make. This is where your power lies. Your thoughts and focus will affect how you feel, which will affect how you behave.

If you keep doing the same thing, telling the same story, focusing on what feeds your anger or sadness, you will keep getting the same outcome – so if it isn’t working, do something else!