The long summer holidays start in England & Wales very soon. The school holidays can cause headaches in any family, as parents try to balance childcare needs, work diaries and holiday plans. When you are trying to organise a separated family’s holiday time, it can be stressful and emotions can run high.

Here are my top 7 tips for successful co-parenting over the holidays:

PLAN AHEAD

Don’t avoid raising the issue, especially if you know it might be tricky to arrange. Bite the bullet and put forward your proposal, write your email suggesting dates – and keep it calm, to the point and polite.

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO LOOK LIKE IN 1 YEAR/5 YEARS

What do you want your relationship with your ex-partner to look like in the future? Are you on friendly terms with your ex, or would you be more comfortable with a distanced, but civil, relationship?

Your vision can be powerful now as you navigate plans for the holidays. If possible, share your vision with each other. Even if you haven’t been able to share your vision with your ex, it can guide your words and actions. Keep it in mind as you negotiate your summer plans to help you focus on the long-term gains of the style of co-parenting that you have committed to.

If this is the first time you’ve had to negotiate holiday times, remember there will be other holidays in the years ahead. What you do now will set the tone for the years to come. How do you want to feel when you look back in 5 years’ time and you recall what you did and said?

TAKE A HELICOPTER VIEW

If you’re caught in a fight over the holidays or there is an issue that is causing a problem, try this exercise and see what comes up for you. Read it through from start to finish before you start, and perhaps ask a friend or your coach to go through it with you.

First bring the issue to mind and summarise it in just a couple of sentences.

What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

Stand up and shake your body. Move into a different chair, or a different spot in the room.

Imagine you are your ex. Really imagine being them, with their values, experiences and views. What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

Stand up again and shake your body. Move again into a different chair or spot in the room.

Imagine now that you are your child. Really feel into being them. What do they want? How do they feel?

Stand up again and shake your body.

Now imagine you are watching from a helicopter hovering overhead. You can clearly see and hear everything that you, your ex and your children have just said about how they feel. What do you notice? What one piece of advice would you give?

Once you have stepped out of the helicopter, take a moment to take in all this information. How has your perspective shifted? What new insights have you gained? How could you use your new insights and perspective as you discuss your plans with your ex?

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO, NOT WHAT YOU CAN’T

Perhaps you recognise some of these thoughts?

There’s no way I can have a calm, measured conversation about the holidays with my ex!
I’m worried about spending longer than a few nights away from the children.
I feel angry that I am missing time with them.
I have no idea what I’ll do with myself while they’re away, and I’m dreading it.

Notice that all those thoughts focus on the negative, on the problem.

What if you could refocus on looking for solutions?

What if you focused on what you CAN do and CAN have, rather than on what you can’t?

Take back your power over your time and your feelings. When you change the way you think, and the questions you ask, you can change how you feel - Change your thoughts and you can change your world.

Ask yourself questions like:

What can I do in that time that I couldn’t do before?
What have I always wanted to do and never had the time?
Who do I know who handles this well? What can I learn from them?
Who can I arrange to meet up with to have some childfree time?
What do I love to do and enjoy? When could I do more of that?

Be open to opportunities. When you shift your focus onto what you can do instead of what you can’t, you can change how you feel about the time you have away from the children, and this will impact your discussions with your ex.

MAKE THE TIME YOU DO HAVE COUNT!

Sit down with your children, and plan some fun, exciting things to do together over the holidays. One of my clients sat down one Saturday afternoon with his children, and they created a holiday bucket list of places to go, things to do, people they’d like to see. Now they are planning them into their summer, and will tick them off as they do them.

Use the questions above with your children and see what ideas they come up with. Choose two or three to commit to and plan them into your schedule.

CREATE AND RECORD YOUR NEW MEMORIES

When you do the activities on your bucket list, take lots of photos and create a new memory board for your house of all the things you have enjoyed doing together. Over the years, I’ve had some amazing experiences with my boys, including meeting my eldest in Jordan while he was travelling in his gap year before university.

YOUR CHILDREN WILL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD

Your children will take their cue from you. If you are stressed and negative, they will be too. If you are angry and resentful, they are likely to feel conflicted and anxious. If you look for opportunities to explore and try new things, they will too. If you focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t, so will they.

When you show them that you can agree a schedule with their other parent, and you can also plan some fun times in with them, you give your children a fabulous model to follow, that they will remember for years to come.